On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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