Christians are straight up FREAKS
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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