I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Life is so much better after having sex.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
