she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize