I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
