I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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