i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
