dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
