I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
