Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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