why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
