he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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