ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
