My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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