i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
