I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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