So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
