it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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