Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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