trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
