I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
