This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
