Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
