I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
