apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
