you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
