I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize