Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
