My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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