I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
