Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
