i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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