I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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