if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize