just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
