the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize