I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
