Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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