At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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