Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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