i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
