I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
