I CAN MOONWALK!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
