I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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