Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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