I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
