Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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