I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
