Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
