Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
