sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
