mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
