Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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