I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
foreskin is a definite game changer
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
