The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize